I’m Sorry…

Dear Daughter,

I’m sorry Baby Girl. There are days that I am an engaged Mom.  We play with your blocks, we explore your shape ball, we snuggle, and we flip through your books since you won’t normally let me go in the right order to read them.  We have fun meal times and we play with your puppy (I’m still trying to figure out how our dog became your dog by the way).  You bring over your plush horses and we gallop them across the floor like Daddy taught you.

Then there are days like today. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something.  There was some stuff that happened last night after you went to bed that had me stressed and apparently that stress didn’t go away.  You fussed through me making breakfast.  You fought your morning nap despite showing you were exhausted.  You pushed limits and decided that physical abuse of Mom was a good idea. Your afternoon nap was fought as well and you slept for less than 45 minutes.  I got an extra project at work.  Things just kept stacking up.  By the time I got you changed after the afternoon nap, I was disconnected.  You wanted to play, but I just couldn’t connect.  I let you crawl on me and lay on me, but I just couldn’t find the energy to play with you. It was drizzling outside so we could not take our walk.  It was a bath night, but the idea of climbing into a tub and playing with you just made me more exhausted.  Instead you got to play on the floor of the shower and got a quick clean before going to bed.  Thankfully you went down easily.

I curled up on the couch with Bear for a quick cuddle before working and ended up dozing. I woke up feeling slightly refreshed and regretful.  Not to offer excuses, but Mommy’s an introvert or if you prefer to use more recent developments, an ambivert. Hopefully I’ve taught you well enough that you understand that this doesn’t mean Mommy’s shy.  It means that Mommy that prefers solitary activities. I love my books, time spent writing, curled up snuggling with our animals.  It means that I need solitary time to recover the energy to connect.   I do very well in social gatherings and actually enjoy them – Once in a while.

I’ll be honest, I never truly thought of myself as an introvert before being a parent.  There really wasn’t a huge impact.  I spent time with people, but I still had me time to recharge so it never clicked.  When my group of friends got together so many are only children that it wasn’t uncommon for someone to disappear for a while before coming back.  I remember reading an article when you were a few months old from another introverted mom and that’s when it clicked for me.  At first I thought it was just being overwhelmed as a new mom.  Then I worried for a little that I had postpartum depression because I lived for the moments you slept and was so frustrated at the little cat naps you were taking or when you woke me up from much needed sleep.  Then I saw that article and everything fell into place.

I wish there was a way I could ‘fix’ this, but there isn’t.  It’s who I am.  Normally when Daddy’s home he recognizes when I’m hitting my shutdown point and takes you away, let’s me refresh and recharge.  The only problem is that he’s gone right now so I don’t have that.  I’ve thought about child care in the mornings or afternoons, but you still nurse to sleep and I’ve never responded well to a pump, so I don’t know how that would really work since if I did that you’d be there during a nap unless I did something like 12-3, but then there is still travel time.  I’ve thought about having a mother’s helper come in during the couple hours between your naps, but for all that there are times I need to recharge, I love spending time with you.  It would be so hard to have you in the house, but not be with you.  I hate it when I have too much on my plate and daddy takes you and sends me to the office. I strain to hear the sounds of you playing and I yearn to be there with you, so I don’t know if a mother’s helper would really help.

Why am I writing this to you?  Honestly, because it’s cathartic.  I needed to get this out and I needed to apologize, but you won’t truly understand if I told you.  You also probably won’t have active memories of today either, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m sorry.  I know there will be more days like this over the next couple months and I apologize in advance for them as well.  Know that I love you more than anything and I do my best to be there for you.  I’ll always try to push through until you go to bed or down for a nap, but sometimes I’ll hit that shutdown point and find it hard. Be patient with me and still give me snuggles cause even when I’m touched out and shutdown, I honestly do love them.  Now pardon me (and any errors since I can’t go back and re-read) as I sigh a little sigh and go to your room to settle you back in as apparently tonight is not going to be one of the blissful nights you sleep straight through.

Love,

Mommy

It’s been a while….

Dear Daughter,

It’s been a busy month and I haven’t posted since you turned one, but that doesn’t mean that there haven’t been things I wanted to say.  Right now what’s on my mind is the next three-ish months.  You see, while you probably won’t remember, Daddy left for a training mission and will be gone till right before Christmas.  He’s done overnights, a week here and there, a couple weeks at Yakima, but this is the first extended separation that you have been through.

You are lucky though Baby Girl, you had most of your first 13 months with him, something that in Army life nowadays is basically unheard of. Part of that was due to his broken foot, part of that was due to our move, but he was here through most of the major milestones: Crawling, walking, climbing, sitting up on your own. The only thing he’ll likely miss is when you finally have your first identifiable word and start talking. But who knows, you may hold out for him to get home for that.

My heart breaks for you Baby Girl, it really does. I understand separations and while they suck and I miss your father, I get it.  I understand.  You however are too young to really understand what is going on.  Even if you do, you don’t have the ability to express your feelings outside of fussing or being gretzy. I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse – I hear what other kids say when they know that their father is leaving and it brings tears to my eyes.  So on one level I’m glad that you can’t break my heart with those innocent childhood comments, but I know it must be frustrating for you to not be able to truly communicate.

I don’t think it’s quite registered yet, but you know something is off.  The first night you kept looking towards the door where he normally waves to you and tells you that he loves you as we settle in for your last nursing session of the day.  We were eating dinner last night and you’d look towards his empty chair.  He was able to call and the way your face lit up hearing is voice was so precious.  The priceless part though was when he said that he loved you and you pressed your forehead to the phone.  As I’m sure we’ll tell you many times as you get older, when we tell you that we love you, you press your forehead to our faces as your response.  When we ask if you love Bear, you press your head to his.  This is your way of telling us that you love us and the fact that you did it to the phone where you hear his voice coming from? Priceless.

Even though you’ve been clingy to me for the past week, week and a half going through a mommy phase, you are still a daddy’s girl.  You hear the front door, you run to the gate and yell at him if he goes to put down his work stuff before picking you up.  You wake up from a nap and you are looking for him.  You love playing find Daddy as he darts from room to room as you run looking for him.  It’s always a great evening for you when he breaks out the guitar or takes you out to the drum set.

Here’s hoping that the time flies quickly and he’s home before you truly realize that he isn’t around.  Here’s hoping for sanity for me as I take on parenting full time without him.  But most of all, here’s hoping that when he returns it’s as if he never left and you run to him with open arms waiting to be tossed in the air and snuggled.

Love,

Mommy

All the feels…

Dear Baby Girl,

Today you are technically not a baby any more, however you will always be my baby girl!  I have a feeling that you’ll be 18 and I’ll still be calling you baby girl.  I’d apologize, but you are my baby, so you’ll just have to learn how to deal with it.

Right about now one year ago today, we were in the recovery room at Tacoma General.  We were probably sleeping or trying to figure out that breastfeeding thing. I will never forget the feeling when they first placed you on my chest. My heart swelled and I don’t think I truly understood a mother’s love until that point. I was exhausted but elated, I had done it, you were here.

It was a long 24 hours – We arrived at TG about 24 hours before you were born and went through 12 hours of cervidil.  We took some time after that finished to see if you’d start showing up.  A few hours later the contractions started up!  It was exciting and terrifying all at once.  Then they went from nice easy contractions to a little stronger and I knew it wouldn’t be long before you were here.  Unfortunately, they also started doubling and tripling up and I quickly was getting exhausted.  Between your dad and the nursing staff, I managed to make it through and you arrived in this world a perfect little darling at 4:39am, weighing all of 6lbs 13oz.

You were so tiny! Even though I’ve been around babies much of my life, there’s a difference when it’s your own. They placed you on my chest honestly, there are no words to describe everything I felt in that moment. Your daddy gave us some time and then he held you for the first time. Yes, there were tears. Don’t let him tell you otherwise. To take it out of context, my heart grew three sizes that day!

Last night we gave you your bath, read you your stories and you and I settled in for your bedtime nursing session as a ‘baby.’ Normally, you nurse, get sleepy and go down in your crib half asleep, but last night I needed, for me and my silly emotions, to hold you and rock you to sleep. When you were born you fit so easily on my chest. Last night your head was on my arm, your cheek resting on your favorite pillow and your knees were at my hip with your little feet hanging off my hip. How did that happen? When did you get so big? I swear, it was just yesterday that we were at the hospital waiting for you.

Yet here we are, one year later! It’s been amazing watching you grow and learn! You’ve gotten 4 teeth in, are walking all over and attempting to run. You chatter up a storm, but don’t have any true words yet. You love blueberries and feeding the dog. When daddy comes home, your grin is so big and you can’t wait for him to pick you up. You hate the feeling of grass on your feet, but love playing with it. You give amazing snuggles when you’re in the mood, but otherwise, you’d rather be off doing your own thing. Bath time is always a favorite, though if we have to shower, you aren’t quite sure about that. When you get to watch t.v., you live Sesame Street… The classics of course!

Your mom is silly and sentimental, but I was sorta glad when I realized that due to the time change between Washington and Georgia, you were awake and cuddling with me when we hit that one year mark on the dot.

You are amazing and filled a part of me that I didn’t realize was empty. As much as there are days you’ve frustrated Daddy and I, I wouldn’t give up the last year for all the money in the world. I love you baby girl! To the moon and back, and more than all the stars in the sky.

Happy birthday!

Love,

Mommy

It’s ok not to be perfect!

Dear Baby Girl,

I wish I could tell you I was one of those mom’s that always seem to be fashionably dressed, perfectly made up and able to juggle 50 million things at once and never break a sweat. I’m not. You will probably be embarrassed by me at some point at time.  I apologize now if you are, but I refuse to make myself something that I’m not.

Here’s the thing.  I’m a work at home mom, the only people that see me on a daily basis are you and your father.  So when I wake up in the morning (to you crying to be let out of baby prison, ie your crib) I toss on a pair of comfy pants and a t-shirt and it’s off we go.  Unless I have to go out of the house to go shopping, for a doctor’s appointment or something along those lines, this is normally my uniform for the day.  During the day you will probably stain the shirt or pants as hands covered in saliva melted goo grab on to me before I get you cleaned up.  I’ll look at the stain and simply try to wipe it off and sigh.  If it’s too bad, I’ll find a clean (or at least cleaner if I need to do wash) item and change.

Recently on babywearing groups I’m in there has been this stylish mom.  She’s always perfectly groomed, down to red lipstick that would make my skin look yellow.  Her wrap matches her outfit, her child is always perfectly cleaned and once her high heels matched the child’s outfit. I see these pictures on one group or another EVERY day.

The green eyed monster came out!  I mean, dang, it’s not fair that someone can look so perfect while being a mom!  I start my day taking care of you, first nursing, then making breakfast for us.  We play a bit and it’s off for your morning nap.  As soon as you go down, I rush to get breakfast dishes done and get to work!  I try to get as much done in the hour to two hours that you sleep, then it’s play time, lunch time, some more play time and back for your afternoon nap.  Again, I rush to get work done.  You wake up, we make dinner and eat, have some more fun time and then it’s time for bed.  Hopefully I got enough work done during the day that I can enjoy some relaxing time with your dad otherwise it’s back to work I go!  Wash, rinse, repeat.

Make up?  A little black dress with stunning lime green pumps?  Yea, I don’t have time for that!  When we take babywearing selfies, I’m normally trying to find an angle that makes the bags under my eyes look like a tiny clutch purse instead of a monstrous tote.  I’m looking to see if that strawberry juice stain is hidden under the chest pass and hopefully the shirt isn’t too bunched up.  Let’s check the hair, does it look greasy? I showered… yesterday? No, was it the day before cause you were teething and fighting napping so I barely had enough time to work, let alone shower… As one mom on our local group said, 9 times out of 10, I’m a mombie!

Then I stopped and thought about it.  I don’t wear you for photo ops, though one day I do want to have babywearing pictures taken.  I wear you because it helps us get through the day.  I wear you to give you cuddles when you’ve fallen one too many times and won’t calm down.  I wear you so that I can get housework done or dinner cooked.  I wear you so that your overtired butt goes down for a nap.  I don’t wear you to be a model, I wear you so that life continues and part of life is not being perfect.

I’m not perfect and I will never claim to be so. And you know what?  That’s okay.  If I embarrass you one day by showing up at school in yoga pants and a t-shirt, I’m sorry.  But hopefully you’ve also learned that it’s okay not to be perfect 100% of the time.  If you can at least remember that, I will have one small victory as a mother!

Love,

Mommy

P.S. It’s 2:22 and there are no stains on my clothes yet, so we are winning!!!

Cultural Appropriation in Babywearing

So for the first time ever today on one of my groups I heard the term cultural appropriation in regards to babywearing. I’d never heard the term before and was curious, so off to Google I went. Oh my Lord! Wow! I never knew that there were such feelings out there about it!

I started out with this article on The Toast: http://the-toast.net/2014/11/17/cultural-appropriation-birthing-community/ and moved on from there.  One article I read addressed other aspects of parenting as cultural appropriation, such as feeding on demand.

So I started thinking about it. On one hand, I see where the author I linked above is talking about. As a Caucasian woman, I’ve never had someone make a comment about “going native” or “back to my roots” or anything derogatory like that. I did have one woman ask if I was too poor to afford a stroller once (while wearing a wrap that cost more than many strollers) but that’s the extent of it. So I don’t have that as a point of reference.

I can see how someone could be upset if they have strong cultural ties, however I honestly don’t feel that one can honestly claim that babywearing appropriates from a specific culture.  Many cultures all over the world have carried babies in one form or another because at the end of the day it is efficient. You can find depictions of it in art all over Europe, everything from what we call a rucksack carry to a simple hip carry to cradleboards and some other truly interesting creations! You can find an amazing collection of these images on the Iowa City Babywearers page: https://iowacitybabywearers.wordpress.com/2015/03/27/babywearing-in-medieval-and-early-modern-europe/

Unfortunately as time wore on and we got “more civilized” it became less popular, especially with the invention of the pram. As we moved from a hunter/gatherer society to an industrialized society, it was no longer a necessity and so many traditions were lost. Now we see it primarily in cultures where manual labor is the main source of food and/or income, so it’s now “native.”

I will honestly say that I never really considered babywearing as taking from a culture because it has a history throughout the world.  I never thought of it as taking the significance away from specific cultures.  If you ask me to describe cultural appropriation, I would’ve said the various food styles that we’ve elevated out of the common place – Japanese Steakhouses, the many Pho places that seem to be on every corner out in Washington, the commercialization of Mongolian Barbeque.  I would have said tribal style tattoos.  Babywearing? Not so much because it is so wide spread.

Then I saw them talking about terms such as ‘kanga’ or ‘rebozo’ as appropriating someone else’s culture.  One article talked about how the commercialization of the rebozo wrap is diminishing its significance and value as traditionally specific colors and/or designs are unique to an the area. Or how there are so many companies that are making insane profits off of specialty woven cloth even though many cultures that still wear on a daily basis do so with a simple piece of cloth.  They wear their babies in handwoven cloth that they made themselves or a simple sheet.  And this I can understand.

You have brands that sell for hundreds of dollars, if not thousands of dollars because the company only creates a limited number of wraps and have become a name like Louboutin, tied to exclusivity and privilege and I understand a little bit more where they are coming from.  It can get insane – I’ve seen people spend $15-$20,000 on a complete warp from a handwoven company.  This would make a great down payment on a house for me or even buy me a brand new car, so spending that kind of money on wraps does boggle my mind on occasion, however I also understand that some people have the cash flow to be able to do this and I don’t begrudge them that.  In the end, they are supporting someone elses hardwork, time and effort.  There are people that post ‘stash’ shots that when you sit and tally the value equal thousands of dollars of what at the end of the day is just pretty fabric.  But again, if they have the disposable income to do so it is their choice on how to dispose of it and I’d rather see money spent to snuggle babies than spent on drugs, alcohol and other worthless endeavors.

On the other hand, even though we are rediscovering how keeping our children close through wearing is a benefit to both the parent and child. In the end, as parents, we still want to ensure the safety of our children and companies that produce wraps and other things understand that and ensure that through compliance with regulations we have that peace of mind.  In a free market economy, there is always going to be companies that end up making a larger profit because of marketing and other factors.  Unfortunately, this is just commerce. It is going to happen and has through out time.  Clothing used to be homespun, homemade – Now it is massed produced and sold.  Some brands cost more than others.

The one author alleges that the babywearing industry has made it hard for low income families to babywear because companies charge so much for wraps and carriers.  However, I dispute that allegation.  You can find at yard sales, second hand stores or even Wal-Mart, carriers that run from a couple bucks on up.  Moby wraps commonly sell for $5 to $10 second hand. Infantio has carriers that even new range for $20-30. Wraps can be made from a couple types fabric – 5 yards of osnaburg can be less than $15 depending on where it is purchased from. While yes, there are high value wraps and carriers out there, there are also plenty of options that allow lower income families to wear if the desire is there. Heck, you can turn a beach towel into a wrap!  So I don’t agree that the ‘westernization’ of babywearing has made it unafforable for everyone.

The one author accuses the community of appropriating terms to make it sound ‘exotic’ or entice people to buy them.  However I challenge that because without ever having done research until I sat down tonight to write this, I never thought these things were exotic, I thought it was matter of fact. I assumed it is called a rebozo knot because that type of knot is what was commonly used with rebozo wraps.  I figured that we call it a tibetan finish because it originated in Tibet. I recognize that various forms of carriers such as Mei Tai’s, Onbuhimo, or podaegi come from various Asian cultures and that we are lucky that these cultures have continued to wear their children so that we can learn from them the knowledge that our Western civilizations have lost.

I’ve never once seen a class marketed as “Mexican rebozo use’ or ‘African belly wrapping’ as the author of The Toast article alleges. I’ve seen mothers teaching mothers how to use wraps to keep their children close and safe.  I’ve seen women reaching out to learn how to safely carry their children without harm to themselves or the child. I’ve never seen anyone try to make a profit off of teaching babywearing.  My first group was a group that grew organically – They made money off their lending library to pay for more carriers.  My second group is part of BWI (Babywearing International) which means they are a non profit group.  No leader makes money, no educator makes money.  They may charge a fee for a specialized class, but that fee goes right back into the chapter.  Then again, I may just not be traveling in high enough income brackets to truly see what the author alleges.

The one article talked about how as parents we are ‘going’ native, transitioning back to breastfeeding more, feeding on demand instead of a schedule, bedsharing/co-sleeping, babylead weaning etc.  But is it really appropriation when all societies have roots in this? Or is it rediscovering that we’ve lost as the modern world has encroached into all aspects of our life?  Is natural birth truly ‘going native’ or realizing that we’ve allowed medicine to take over a process that women have been doing for thousands of years.   Is babywearing a trend, a fad or mimicking societies that haven’t had the same industrialization that our western culture or is it truly understanding once again how we can help teach our children from an early age that they are loved, that we will keep them safe and be a safe place for them where they can decompress from the world when things get to be too much?

What are your thoughts?

World Breastfeeding Week and my breastfeeding journey

So in case you didn’t know, yesterday was the last day of World Breastfeeding Week.  It ran from August 1, 2015 to August 7, 2015.  I was meaning to get this post up all week, but life got a little bit away from me.  What else is new?

You may have seen the various meme’s and breastfeeding pictures.  The hashtag #normalizebreastfeeding all over the place and other great things. I don’t often talk about breastfeeding on my Facebook because, well, for me it is what it is.  It’s natural.  It’s how nature intended for babies to eat. I don’t talk about my diet all the time, so I don’t really see the need to talk about hers – Though the pictures of her with food smushed all over are adorable!

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There were so many images of babies feeding on my feed this week and I’ve enjoyed seeing all of them!  I think that it’s a beautiful bond that a mother and child share and that it should be celebrated, not shamed.  Unfortunately, I’ve also seen so many people posting about how their pictures were reported to FB for nudity. I have one single breastfeeding picture in my photos other than the one above and thankfully it’s never been reported, but honestly, I dare you to do so.  Facebook doesn’t consider it nudity and neither as a culture should we.

It’s sad that in today’s day and age, where the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated is its best seller that a picture that shows less skin and is in no way sexual is considered more offensive. I mean goodness, I remember one edition of SI, there were no actual swimsuits!  Just body paint for swimsuits!  And this is okay, but a mother feeding her child in public isn’t.  It makes me sad.   It makes me sad that I can walk through the mall and see breasts larger than my head in the window’s of Victoria’s Secret but that some people are still ignorant enough to tell a mom that is showing nothing more than a sliver of skin to cover up.  But I digress from what I wanted to talk about.

I don’t talk about breastfeeding much, but maybe I should.  I remember being pregnant and having my heart set on breastfeeding my daughter.  “Breast is Best” and all that other jazz.  I mean how hard could it be?  I have two breasts, they make milk, put baby to breast, baby suckles, baby gets fed. Right?  Wrong!

For some people, breastfeeding really is that simple.  But for many it isn’t.  Unfortunately for many women in and around my generation, breastfeeding is something we aren’t familiar with because we were born in a time where it was looked down on to breastfeed.  That was for poor people.  Formula was the way to go.  As a result, so much knowledge was lost in regards to breastfeeding that many of us can’t ask our parents and grandparents for advice because the concept is foreign to them, having never done it themselves. It’s gotten to the point where we have to have special lactation consultants to teach what used to be common knowledge passed from mother to daughter.  (Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my IBCLC’s… I just wish we didn’t need to have them!)

I was one of those few that had issues.  In the hospital we had support, but it didn’t come naturally and it was a struggle.  We went home on a Thursday and ended up back at the pediatricians on Friday because my baby girl was jaundiced because she wasn’t eating enough/properly.  I was told to get formula for right now so that she was fed and then start pumping and giving her that while still trying to latch.  So we kept trying and by the time Monday rolled around, I was in so much pain.  My nipples were raw and the thought of putting her to my breast made me tense up in expectation of pain.

I was lucky enough to have a wonderful support group on post (Shout out to MOMS group at Fort Lewis) since a 1 hr consultation with an IBCLC would have been close to $200 because at that point, Tricare didn’t cover outpatient lactation support.  I got to the group on Tuesday and waited my turn.  A wonderful woman named Rhea came over, sat with me and asked me what was wrong.  I burst out in tears at her soft gentle tone, “I’m failing my baby.  She won’t latch on, it hurts so much that I don’t want to feed her, but I want to breastfeed.”  So much pain and agony on my part.  I felt like a failure.  I still tear up when I think of that visit. I can’t talk about it without getting choked up. Rhea was so kind, so sweet and just waited me out, offering comfort as only a woman who’s a mother can give.

She said something to me when the tears slowed down that will forever stay with me. “You are enough. The media constantly bombards us that we aren’t thin enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, but I’m here to tell you – you are enough. You are enough for that beautiful little girl. You are enough.” This of course set me on a fresh set of tears, but her quiet confidence settled my aching heart and we got down to the business of helping me feed my baby. That day we got a nipple shield so I could feed without pain and some cooling gel pads to relieve the pain when not feeding. And I went home with confidence that I could do this.

Two days later, I was back at MOMS group because I still couldn’t get a deep latch with no pain. At that point, we realized Baby Girl had a posterior tongue tie as well as a lip tie that caused her latch issues. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t my lack of knowledge or desire that stopped her from eating right, it was a couple bits of extra tissue.

By the time we were able to get them revised, my daughter was so used to feeding with the shield that she refused to wean off of it. We ended up using the shield for the better part of 8 months. It was a long 8 months and I’m very thankful that I worked from home. I dealt with mastitis, multiple rounds of clogged ducts and exhaustion. Using the shield tired her out. It would take about 15-20 minutes for her to finish one side and she was done….for maybe an hour, maybe an hour and a half if I was lucky. At times it felt like I was chained to the couch, but between MOMS group helping me get comfy feeding in public and babywearing, we made it work. Feeding in public was a pain because I couldn’t just latch her, I had to get the shield on, then latch. There were times I just wanted to give up. My husband though was my cheerleader and helped me push through so I could meet my first goal, 6 months exclusively breastfed. My pediatrician made it all worthwhile when she playfully pinched my daughter’s thighs at our 6 month appointment and said “Man, look at those thighs! Momma is making some good milk right there, huh?”

Around 6 months, she would take the shield off on occasion, but her latch still needed work. We were semi regular fixtures at MOMS group as we went to see how much she was eating in a session and get more help when needed. I know that we never would have gotten this far without the support we got there!

We ended up PCS’ing and it was during that time that she dropped the shield completely. I had a couple weeks of pain as we both adjusted, but without it she was willing to take both breasts in a nursing session and it only took 10-15 minutes! By about 9 months, she’d weaned herself down to only eating when she got up in the morning, before her naps and before bed, then a couple times at night. It was bittersweet, I’d waited so long to drop the shield and now she didn’t want it as much. It makes no logical sense, but hormones are strange things.

She’s still on that schedule as we approach her first birthday. I’m 5 days away from meeting my second goal of breastfeeding until one. From here, I have no goals. I’ll feed her until she self weans. I firmly believe that until 2 is ideal if she goes that long, but that’s on her at this point.

So to sum it up, breastfeeding isn’t always easy. If it has been for you, I’m happy for you! But if you are struggling, know you aren’t alone. These are the stories we need to share. There are places to get help!

There are so many things I know now that I wish I’d known before we started our journey. Here’s a quick list:
– Nursing isn’t always easy. It takes dedication and time. And support.
– Babies don’t only nurse for food, they nurse for comfort as well. The breast is nature’s pacifier.
– Babies have tiny stomachs and breastmilk is digested easier than formula, so they may eat more often.
– Just because I can only pump a couple ounces at a time doesn’t mean that she isn’t getting enough. Babies are so much more efficient at removing milk than a machine.
– Breastmilk: it’s supply and demand. The more you nurse, the more you produce. Supplementing with formula can lower your supply because baby isn’t nursing as often.

There are most likely more, but those are the big ones! I can’t stress enough that if you want to breastfeed and it is important to you get help if there are issues. Most women CAN successfully breastfeed, but access to the right resources isn’t always an option and they give up. Reach out to a IBCLC or other lactation consultant such as the LLL, find friends who breastfed and talk to them, read Kellymom, find a local support group. You can do it!

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These chunky baby thighs brought to you with the support of MOMS group! Thank you ladies for your support on our journey!

Toddlerhood

Dear Baby Girl,

I feel like, even though you are two weeks away from your first birthday, I have lost my baby only to have her replaced with a toddler overnight. While you may have been walking for several weeks now, we’ve gotten to a point where the time you spend walking it’s more than you spend crawling.  You’ve figured out how to squat and stand back up from the squat, so now you don’t have to sit to get that toy you wanted and can just go right back to toddling around the room, toy in hand.  You haven’t quite gotten standing from a sitting position, but I know that isn’t far behind.

Plus you are starting to lose those baby rolls 😦 You used to have the most adorable rolls at your chin, elbows, wrists and ankles. But they are going away. You are looking more like a toddler than baby every day. Your growing like a weed, just about as tall as Daddy’s inseam… Almost half his height and not even a year old! I have to wonder if your going to get the height gene from his family and end up taller than us.

You’ve got three teeth now, with the fourth soon to make an appearance I’m sure. I honestly can’t wait for you to be done teething though, it’s rough on both of us! So let’s not draw this out, my sleeping patterns would really appreciate it!

And your personality! Oh man, if infants/toddlers can be classified as divas, you are certainly one! Heaven forbid you don’t get your way, or you fall when you didn’t want to. I hear about it in a heartbeat. But you are also so happy over all! You wander around giving everything raspberries and giggling the whole while. You love coming up to me, Daddy or Bear and touching your forehead to ours, your way of saying ‘I love you’ without words.  And you should’ve seen how excited you were when Daddy brought you home Grover and Big Bird! Those stuffed toys always light up your face!

As much as I love watching you grow, I find myself missing the hours we’d spend snuggled up when you were younger. You’re not really into cuddling right now because you’re too busy exploring the world. But that’s ok, learning and exploring is important. One day we’ll get back to cozy cuddles on the couch. Until then I’ll be there when you need and want me, watching you when you need to do it on your own.

Love,

Mommy

Exploring!

Baby girl,

I love how the simplest things can keep you occupied for ages! You’ve been sitting and crawling on Daddy’s guitar box (don’t worry, it’s all of 3 inches off the ground) for ten minutes now. Your feet make fun drum noises and peering over the edge is so exciting! Climbing on and off, bobbing for your pacifier over the edge, there is just so much to do!

I love watching you learn about your world and explore. It makes me look at things with fresh eyes and wonder what is going on it that mind of yours. Never lose your curiosity baby girl!

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

The title to this blog is ‘Letters of Love to my Children,’ but you are my only child right now.  Maybe one day you’ll have a little brother or sister (your dad is hoping for a brother), but right now you are it.  My only child.  My firstborn.  My daughter.  The apple of my eye.

There are so many things over the last 11 months that I’ve told you and while I’m sure that those words are locked away in your brain somewhere, unless we figure out how to unlock baby memories you will never remember them. (This might be a good thing, I’ve gotten frustrated a time or two….or three…)  I’ve thought so often about doing something like this, but with being a military family I was afraid paper letters would get lost. E-mail accounts could end up closed.  The internet though?  That is forever.

One day you may look at this and go “Oh mom, how could you do something so public?”  That will probably be your teenage years.  Hopefully one day you look at this and see it for what I mean it to be, an expression of love.

We are quickly approaching your first birthday.  I’m still in shock over the fact that it’s almost here because at times it feels like only weeks ago that I was complaining to your father about how huge I was, how I couldn’t wait for you to get here.  Yet here we are.  11 months old.  And, pardon the humor, you are still alive.  We managed not to kill you. (Hey, we are first time parents….)  Over the next few posts, I’ll probably jump around over the last 11 months talking about things you’ve done and feelings I’ve felt.  If you want an organized timeline, ask to see your baby book (if I ever got around to putting it together) or to see my Facebook Timeline… If it still exists…

I think what really pushed me to do this today was watching you half walk, half fall (but mostly walk), arms outstretched towards him across our sunroom floor into your father’s arms.  I can’t deny it anymore – You are truly leaving behind that baby stage and moving into toddler-hood.  Just one week ago, I was sitting on the floor in front of you, bits of teething cookies in my hands trying to convince you to take your first steps.  Your dad was there… He managed to look away both the first and second time you took a step.  But that’s okay, cause he saw when you first walked more than a step.  That’s the important thing!  Through out the last week, you’ve tentatively started to let go of your little walker or the chair or couch or whatever you used to pull up and take a few steps.

It boggles my mind how fast you learn things right now baby girl.  I have no words to describe the pride I feel watching you as you grow.  I can only say that one day, when you have your first child, you’ll understand what I mean.  Three months ago you had just barely started army crawling. And I mean just barely. It was slow going and you would get maybe a foot or two before you got tired and stopped.  You got good at it quick and there was no stopping you.  Then you finally realized that if you got onto your hands and knees you could go faster. Man, can you go!

Then came pulling yourself upright into a standing position and by the middle of May we’d gotten you a little push walker.  It took you about two weeks, but you soon had that thing figured out and off you went… so long as it was a straight line.  Yet time passed and you started to figure out not so much how to steer, but that you could also push it from the front or side if you got stuck somewhere.  You were there, but not quite.  Little by little, we encouraged you, held your hands and helped you.  You didn’t like that very much.  You are an independent young girl even now. If we tried to help you stand and walk, you’d go limp and sit.  We put you in front of your walker and you were gone!  Then came the steps.  I still get a tad teary thinking about it.

You’ve hit so many milestones already: Holding your head up, rolling over, sitting up,eating solids, crawling, pulling up to stand… But this one is the one that really is pulling at my heart strings.  Why?  Because it brings you out of being a baby.  Don’t worry though baby girl, you will always be my baby.

There are many like it, but this one is mine!

I’ve lost count the number of Mommy blogs there are out there.  Thousands upon thousands I’m sure.  Yet, to paraphrase Full Metal Jacket, “This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine.”

There are so many things I want my daughter to know and there is no baby book big enough to truly share my thoughts. I’ve seen people talk about creating an e-mail account, sending e-mails and giving them the password when they are old enough or turn 18.  I thought about that.  But what if the e-mail account gets shut down?  A blog can be deleted, but the internet really is forever.  It’s unlikely that anything here would truly ever be gone for good.

This is likely to be a mix of posts.  Some posts will be a true letter format, talking to my daughter and passing on words of wisdom.  Some may just be a simple post or a vent.  Who knows?  I believe that a blog grows and evolves and it’s impossible to really know where it will go at the start.

So if you like, join me on my journey and we can see where it goes from here!